How to Find Your Inner Light
Off the Greenland Coast Under the Midnight Sun by William J. Bradford, 1873 (public domain - Wikimedia Commons)
“People on the road to inner light do not find their vocations by asking, what do I want from life? They ask, what is life asking of me?”
Over the weekend, I shared a post by a Wendy Jordan on LinkedIn about a funeral she attended. You don’t usually see funeral-related posts there, so it caught my eye.
Wendy told a story about this 60 year old man, taken far too early, who had been her boss 18 years prior. She kept in touch with him because of the grace, compassion, and kindness he showed her — something she never forgot and wanted to pay forward.
The way she described him reminded me of a piece by David Brooks in the New York Times in 2015 “The Moral Bucket List” (gift link), in which he wrote about eulogy virtues versus résumé virtues.
In it, he described a certain type of person — you probably know this kind of person because of how they stand out — a person who is so kind and generous that you cant help but feel good in their presence:
“About once a month I run across a person who radiates an inner light. These people can be in any walk of life. They seem deeply good. They listen well. They make you feel funny and valued. You often catch them looking after other people and as they do so their laugh is musical and their manner is infused with gratitude. They are not thinking about what wonderful work they are doing. They are not thinking about themselves at all.”
That looks like a recipe for the kind of leadership presence that inspires people. Yes, you still need a vision and the ability to execute a plan, but sometimes all your people need is a little empathy, kindness, respect, attention, and gratitude.
These are some of the values I help my coaching clients discover — values that inform their actions, their presence, and relationships with colleagues.
Bonus: this works in all aspects of life, not just work.
Who among us can completely compartmentalize our work selves and our personal selves? We are Schrödinger’s employee: simultaneously thinking about personal life at work, and work at home.
What Fuels Burnout
This intermingling of our lives reached peak form during the pandemic, and still continues with hybrid work environments. But even before Covid was contemplated, burnout was very real: in researching their book The Happiness Track, the authors found that 50% of people — across professions, from the nonprofit sector to the medical field — are burned out.
And while the burnout of overworked executives is well-known, it’s not just about exhaustion. Loneliness plays a significant role as well. This is more concerning, because loneliness is universal and can have detrimental health effects.
Research by Sarah Pressman, of the University of California, Irvine, shows that that while obesity reduces longevity by 20%, drinking by 30%, and smoking by 50%, loneliness reduces it by a whopping 70%.
In Harvard Business Review, authors of research connecting loneliness and exhaustion to burnout recommend leaders and employees take the following steps to address social connectedness at work:
Promote a workplace culture of inclusion and empathy.
Encourage employees throughout the organization to build developmental networks.
Celebrate collective successes.
Kindness, empathy, respect, attention, and gratitude — similar themes from Mr. Brooks above, aren’t they?
Lest you think these soft skills don’t matter beyond the feel-good element, Kim Cameron, author of Positive Leadership, has research that shows workplaces that have caring, supportive, respectful, honest, and forgiving relationships lead to higher organizational performance overall.
Anytime (I’ll Be There)
In her autobiography, Lady Blue Eyes: My Life with Frank Sinatra, Barbara Sinatra tells this touching story about the kindness and empathy of her late husband:
We were at a dinner party one night with Bennett Cerf and Betty Bacall when Frank wandered into a guest room to collect a pack of cigarettes from his overcoat. There he found the producer Arthur Hornblow finishing up a telephone call to a woman.
“I hope she’s pretty,” Frank said softly. Arthur replied that she was; it was his mother, Susie, who was in poor health in Florida but still excited about the latest Yankee scores.
“What I wouldn’t give for one more telephone call with my mom,” Frank told him wistfully.
At his suggestion, they called Arthur’s mother back and put Frank on the line. “Is this really Frank Sinatra?” she asked. “You sound too much like him not to be. I love your voice.”
“Well, I love your voice too, Susie,” Frank said. “Tell you what—I'm going to call you every Saturday night at six o’clock, and we’ll chew over the Yankees’ performance, okay?”
He kept his promise and never missed a Saturday evening call to Susie Hornblow until the day she died. For good measure, he sent flowers to her on Mother’s Day and to other widowed mothers in the same hospital. Frank added her name to his list of lonely women he’d call on a regular basis. They included a relative of Freeman Gosden’s and several single mothers.
Few believed them when they claimed that Ol’ Blue Eyes was a frequent caller, but they knew the truth and that was all that mattered.
Sinatra’s gestures were simple ones — barely slight inconveniences — when you consider his schedule of concerts, dinners with friends, and other commitments. But there’s no doubt that to those receiving the calls considered these were grand gestures that brightened their days.
In 1975, Paul Anka wrote “Anytime (I’ll Be There)” for Sinatra (Anka later recorded it himself). The opening verse seems to perfectly capture this spirit:
Anytime you need me babe, just call I’ll be there
Call and see what a good friend can be
When you need someone to care
Nothing more than understanding, just a man who’s undemanding
Like a leaf that’s only landing suddenly goes when the wind gently blows
And I’m asking nothing of you love, only what you want to give
And I wish you what I wish myself, so long as I may live
Other arms will surely hold you, just remember the things that I told you
When these arms of mine enfold you
It’s not out of greed but for love, and for need.
When you answer or make a call, your inner light shines on the people around you. Friends. Family members. Employees. Coworkers.
Maybe that helps their inner light grow brighter too. And before you know it, that light spreads to even more people.
Be someone’s light. You never know what darkness they’ll face and how your small gesture can lead them out of it.
Make that call. Don’t put it off — you might regret it if you no longer have a chance to speak with them.
There’s so much to learn,
