How To Give Great Feedback
The Christian Dirce by Henryk Siemiradzki, 1897 (public domain - Google Arts & Culture)
“Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.”
Last week, my younger son turned 18.
I had never noticed this before — perhaps I’m more pensive these days, with my son graduating and turning 18 — but he shares a birthday with Ralph Waldo Emerson.
So when I saw Emerson’s journal entry for November 8, 1838, I paid attention:
“Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. No man, I think, had ever a greater well-being with a less desert than I. I can very well afford to be accounted bad or foolish by a few dozen or a few hundred persons, I who see myself greeted by the good expectation of so many friends far beyond any power of thought or communication of thought residing in me. Besides, I own, I am often inclined to take part with those who say I am bad or foolish, for I fear I am both. I believe and know there must be a perfect compensation. I know too well my own dark spots. Not having myself attained, not satisfied myself, far from a holy obedience,— how can I expect to satisfy others, to command their love? A few sour faces, a few biting paragraphs,—is but a cheap expiation for all these short-comings of mine.”
Improvement and growth only happen when we recognize that we have some deficiencies.
Having deficiencies doesn’t make you a bad person; it means there’s room to grow and learn.
And we all want to improve.
The Feedback Pill
You know how hard it is to give a teenager feedback, right?
It’s like trying to get a dog to take a pill. You can try to jam it down its throat, bury it in a mass of peanut butter, or even wrap it in cheese, but that pill is coming back up and ending on the kitchen floor. Every. Single. Time.
The medicine may taste awful at first, but it’s going to help you feel better. Just like feedback.
Whether you’re a parent or a leader, giving feedback is part of your job. But if you can do it in a way that makes someone want to hear it and gets them excited about growth and learning, it is an art form.
And you can give someone great feedback that almost guarantees they’ll not only listen but will welcome your input.
In The Culture Code, Daniel Coyle pointed out a large study of teachers giving feedback to students, in which just 19 words boosted performance and effort in the students.
The 19 words were:
“I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them.”
Wow. Simple yet profound. It’s a clever amalgam of giving a compliment, building trust, and boosting confidence (perhaps with a little guilt thrown in there).
We know high expectations aren’t bestowed on people who are less than worthy, and when someone shows us high regard, we don’t want to let them down.
Incidentally, having regard for the dignity of others is part of Leader Humility, which Marilyn Gist discussed on the Timeless Leadership podcast.
Any time we can show regard for others, we’re more likely to build trust; trust means better relationships; relationships are at the core of leadership.
If we have healthy mutually caring relationships, we can give wise feedback that helps us grow rather than tears us down.
Try it with one of your team members.
Or maybe even on a teenager.
There’s so much to learn,
